I tend to focus on what I’m afraid I’ll never have: stability, a family of my own, a place to belong, intimacy, significance, a sense that I matter and am making a difference. After my brother’s death 5 months ago, I’m more aware of what I could lose and at times I find myself wondering who/what God will take from me next. I end up thinking that there is so much I desire that God hasn’t given me that he shouldn’t take the few things I do have.
Yet at the same time, I know that none of these things (that I’m afraid to lose or I’m afraid I’ll never have) really satisfy the deep longings of my heart. I find myself crying out with David:”my soul thirsts for you, my flesh faints for you as in a dry and weary land where there is no water… My soul thirsts for God, for the living God, when shall I come and appear before God… I believe that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”