Wow…when I look back over the years and see where I was as opposed to where I am now, I can’t believe that God is still with me. It all started when I became a leader (not teacher) in a womens Sunday School class at my church. I wanted “anything” from God. I wanted to give my all. I knew I was called (and still am) called to ministry. I was willing to do “anything” for Him. All I wanted was to fulfill this ministry I knew God was calling me to. However, things would change drastically and lead me down a path I could have NEVER imagined.
I remember being on my porch being in the prime of my walk with God. Never felt closer to Him. I wanted Him and ALL of Him. It was one day on my porch I heard God say, “satan has asked to sift you like wheat.” The next morning, I opened my devotion for the day and the title was “Sifted.” I knew then that I was hearing God right. But the problem was I “thought” I was ready! As a matter of fact, i remember saying “satan, bring it on!” So that’s what I said…”bring it on satan…I’m ready!” Little did I know what was to come. I fell, and I fell HARD!
I went through about three years of HELL (I hope it is o.k. to say that because that’s the only way I can describe it). My christian friends didn’t recognize me and I didn’t recognize myself ( it took couple of years to see what they were seeing). I destroyed my marriage and image during this time. I didn’t want anyone to confront me about my choices. I was a fly caught in a web and couldn’t get out. Fast forward a couple years….
I finally came to my “senses.” I finally realized what I had become and didn’t like it. This wasn’t the life God called me to. I knew it because I knew I was called to full time ministry at the age of 18 (I’m now 41). It has taken me years to recuperate from the destruction I caused and still occasionally live with shame and regret. However, I have forgiven myself and now know that God wants to still use me to glorify His name.
The lesson I learned from saying “I’ll do anything Lord,” is that He does call us to that devotion. But, sometimes it takes testing of the heart to determine if we are truly ready for “anything.” I thought I was but God knew I wasn’t so He tested me. He tried me. He made me realize that without Him I can’t do anything but with Him I can do everything.
Satan most certainly sifted me like wheat! I went through several years with this glaze (that’s the only way I can describe it). I completely lost anything I had for God. Afterwards, the only way I can describe it is