“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
It comes in so many forms and in so many ways. I thought it was a one time choice. A one time thing. But its not.
It is a daily choice. An hourly choice. A minute by minute choice.
This surrender is so much harder than I thought.
My first full step into surrender was last May after reading a book that called me out to truly give the Lord my life. Not parts. Not the idea of it. But to give God all of it.
I thought I had done this before. I thought I did this when I accepted Jesus into my life. But that was just the start of my journey. You see, it is a step by step process. He doesn’t call us to surrender what we are not ready to give Him. He knows us so well He waits on us. Because it is a gift, this surrender. It is a healing that we are choosing to allow the Lord to do in our hearts.
And it has been a journey of epic proportions already.
This surrender has involved allowing Him in to rooms that are deep down. My marriage turned divorce. Provision. My children. My body inside and out. My belief of who I truly am in Him.
And now I am finally ready to tackle one of these locked doors that has never seen light. Tired of the pain that it causes me.
Because that is who these rooms are hurting. Me.
The Lord is waiting patiently on the other side of this door. Waiting for me to unlock it and let Him in. It is so hard and so scary to think about turning the knob. It takes so much energy and willingness to set aside my fear to even think about opening it, even just a tiny bit.
But, He only needs me to do just that.
Light doesn’t need much to penetrate the darkness. He can take my one simple word. He can start to use it to heal those places. Me.
I have known that this room has existed for a long time, but I have kept it shut as I have not been ready for the Lord to go near it.
And He hasn’t.
But, He keeps reminding me of this room as He knows that it is a place with some deep hurts. Hurts that I can’t even label. That I don’t know what to do with.
But, His goodness and love is so gentle. He has helped me realize that if I want my relationship with my Jesus to continue on this journey that I have to let Him help me find the keys to this room and unlock it.
Because this room is taking up too much space in my heart. Space that can be filled with a healing light that only He can fill.
So, I am turning to Him because He knows where the key is.
This time I am going to open it. Because I am tired of it taking up space in my thoughts. In my heart. I am tired of being held back from this continued path of surrender.
The deeper we go into those dark places, the deeper He takes us into Him. Into His healing arms.
I need that. I want that.
So, Lord, I pray that you will help me tonight as I go to bed. Tomorrow morning when I wake up. And every moment in between that this room that has been in my heart for years can be covered by your grace and I can allow that door to be opened and truly be filled by you. By Your worth.
I pray that I remember that you are the most important thing in my life.
You are first.