No longer in the dark

image21

Following a tragic diagnosis in 2009, my faith was rocked. How do you continue living the same when you’ve just found out your going blind… Very slowly. I couldn’t understand, “why, why is this happening God?” “If you are good, then why are you allowing this to happen?” I was angry, lost, and felt alone. I entered the dark place of depression, and I was fighting it with all I had. But I eventually lost that battle and just couldn’t cry anymore. I didn’t want to be this (new) girl anymore, I didn’t want to go blind, I wanted to drive again, I wanted to be the mom I’d dreamed of being. I wanted to be “normal,” confident, a good wife. I wanted to be the girl I was who recently graduated Nursing school and was doing what I loved caring for others, I was newlywed to my best friend, and so, so happy. My diagnosis turned this all upside down. I gave up my beloved career, restricted my driving per doctor’s recommendations. I was completely consumed with this disease and oh SO lost.
After several years in this horrid dark place, fast forward to 2014, where a dear friend invited me to IF:Local. I hadn’t heard of it, but didn’t hesitate to commit. IF lit the spark inside me. I felt something, I felt someone. It was Him. He began working on my heart. I wanted more. I felt a huge change, and just days later decided I was ready, and so I prayed, “Lord, I surrender. I can’t fight this anymore, I cannot control what is happening in my life. I know I can trust you, you’ve made yourself apparent to me now, and so I GIVE IT ALL TO YOU. I surrender my life to you. I will follow your lead.”

I immediately jumped at the opportunity to join a Restless study group after IF. During the section on Suffering, we were sitting in small group discussions and my heart began to pound, my hands were shaking, but it wasn’t from nerves. It was Him. He was pushing me, telling me it was time to share my story of surrender. He was so “in my face” as I described it to the others in the group. It was such a physical sign I couldn’t deny. There was no other explanation.

Ever since surrendering to Him, life has been crazy! He keeps giving me opportunities to be obedient and I willingly accept. Instead of questioning Him, I crave Him! I want to know more! I’ve joined a weekly bible study group and my husband and I have joined 2 small groups. I find myself having an inner monologue with God throughout the day. It’s amazing. My future is unknown, with this disease, typically complete blindness eventually occurs. Although I can’t deny being scared of that awful possibility, I now can trust that no matter how I end up, I will always be on His path. He is with me and I will continue to be obedient for His glory! Thank you Father, for setting me free.