No Fear/Surrender

CL

My anything story starts with me going to the If: Local Gathering in February for the first time. It was an amazing experience for this lifelong Catholic girl. A friend had said, God put it on her heart to ask me to go. Looking back there were so many obstacles in my way to get there but, I did. The beginning of my surrender came on Saturday afternoon when we were asked to write on our rocks. I looked around as all of the women at my table busily wrote on their rocks. What was I going to write? I had absolutely no idea. I just sat there nervously watching these ladies writing on their rocks. They were writing in tiny writing all over the front of the rock then they were turning them over and writing on the back. All the while I am asking God to give me something. Please!! I prayed, Lord what am I supposed to do when I walk out of here today? When I said that prayer I saw an old t-shirt and the emblem was, “No Fear”. So I wrote it as fast as I could on my rock, No Fear! Oh thank goodness I thought…something!! At that time I had no idea why I was writing it but, I did. I turned my rock over in hopes that I might have something else to write. My next thought was Surrender so I wrote it as well! I had no idea why I was writing those words all I knew was that I had been changed in some way by going to this Gathering. I went home and shared everything that had happened with my husband. He being so strong in his faith assured me that God would let me know what was next for me in his time. Well, I did not have to wait for long to find out one of the things he wants me to do. Trembling and crying I told my husband I have no idea how I am supposed to accomplish this and he made sure to remind me that God will show me what to do next. So with No Fear & Surrender I am continuing to work on my first task (I am not sharing it because I still feel like it is an impossible task even with God holding my hand).
Soon after I found out there would be a second task that required me to surrender completely to God. Body, soul, basically my entire life. The fear began to close in because I felt out of control of my life but I knew something needed to be done and God wanted to walk with me all of the way. I have been diagnosed for nearly 20 years with PCOS & Fibromyalgia I am a healthy 41 year old otherwise. Up to this point of my life I have been able to deal with these issues but now being a mother of a 3 year old and a 1 year old there are things I want to do with them that I cannot. In the past year after my second son was born I began to lose more and more mobility. I had been warned that this could happen so I was prepared for it I just didn’t realize I would not be able to play on the floor or pick them up by the end of the day because my hands hurt so badly. After speaking with several doctors again, I found there was not another drug to try. So I decided to pray. Soon I realized why I wrote those words on the rock that day…it was time to surrender. I had prayed for years about it but it was finally time to have gastric bypass surgery. The hope would be that it would relieve some of the inflammation in my body so I could move again. I picked a rock out and I wrote, No Fear and on the other side, Surrender and this was the beginning of my journey. So I June 12th I went into surgery with No Fear and Surrendering everything to God. This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. This journey is a constant battle every day and the only way I am making it through is with prayer. I know my relationship with the Lord is only getting stronger day by day so if that is the greatest thing that comes out of this journey it will be worth all of the pain and tears. I know he has big plans for me and I know it all started when I made the choice to be present at the If: Gathering. Amazing things happen when you stop and listen.
I continue to stay connected with the IF ladies because each time I make a connection I feel that it makes me stronger for the journey ahead of me. I recently say Bianca and in September Jennie will be coming to California where I will see her too! I thank all of you ladies for your stories, prayers and love of women. I just know by what has happened in my life…together we can accomplish so much!! Thank you! Callie