First more than anything this is something I have put off because it scares me to death. The raw emotions that comes from where I am today and why……horrifying to put out there. God has pushed more than once at my heart to let others know how He is the light and will carry you through anything……..
When I pray the blanket prayer “God please take care of, protect, and keep my son safe” It was a blanket prayer that I felt I knew how that was going to be answered everyday. I never expected the answer I was given…………
My life was not at ALL perfect, was in the middle of so much turmoil, but I was moving forward the best I knew how. I never knew what was about to happen to change and transform me forever.
I was 28 years old, working as an RN full time. I felt God was disappointed in me for all of my past, but I do know that God was working in me, getting me ready.
We were driving home from gymnastics on a Thursday evening in September. We being myself and my only son Devon. He was six years old and in the first grade. We were nearly home and having a great conversation……..at about 7:15 on September 23, 2004 we were in the most horrific accident, Devon was killed instantly, and I would have given anything to have gone with him. The only moment I have ever screamed at the top of my lungs at God was that moment, when my baby was gone and I am still here. I screamed “Why God Why, PLEASE take me too, PLEASE” I begged Him
On that day I know God picked me up held me tight and has never put me down. My everything was surrendered to Him that day. I had nothing to look forward to without Devon, I did not want to look forward. I struggled to breathe in this new life I had to walk in. God had me, He gave me breath so I could move forward. He gave me Hope when there was no Hope. From that day until today I have lived this life for Him. I have prayed so many times since that day, I do not know why you have me here Lord and why you needed me to stay. Since I am here Lord I will do nothing other that whatever you lead me to. I do not want to live this life for the petty unimportant things I used to think were the most important. I will live the time I have left here to Glorify you whatever that is.
At this point in my life I did not think I had a purpose other than to keep moving forward in this new Journey I was on. I have been in the darkest valleys and the only one who understood it all was Jesus. I feel like I have laid in His lap so many nights, as He held me close as I cried through a pain so deep you can’t even explain.
God has carried me from not being around anyone for 5 years, to now glorifying Him daily through the job I am blessed to have only because of Him. I hold a miracle in my hands daily, and give back precious memories to families. All because this is where God has put me for now.
If I talked about all that God has done in me because of that day, this would be a book. I did not make a willing decision to surrender my life to God, but I made a willing decision to lay my life before Him in the worst of time praying He could one day put me back together. I am so broken everyday, but not a day of my brokenness goes by that I do not thank Him for where I am at.
He has my everything, and I will go wherever He leads until He calls me Home……and that will be the most glorious day I could ever imagine.