In the Middle of Surrender

My Anything story is a work in process. For the past nine and half years I have been dealing with a myriad of health issues. I graduated from high school even though I missed about a third of all my classes. I went to university and dropped out in my second year because I was no longer able to continue. That was a huge blow. I always thought I would be the person to have at least a masters level of education because I loved learning. So to drop out, and over the course of the next few years realize I would probably never go back was devastating. I had my life planned out. By 26, the age I am now, I would be climbing the corporate ladder, have a degree, a serious relationship, live in a big city, be super involved with church, and although I would want God, I would not need Him. Instead, at 26, I am living with my parents in the same small city that as a child I longed to leave, no serious relationship to date, no degree, my health limits my involvement with church, and instead of having a predictable safe job, I have been writing a book. It feels insane to me most days, sitting down for anywhere from 10mins to 1 hr because my brain literally will only focus for that long, and writing. That one thing I’ve always secretly longed to do but it wasn’t practical or fiscally responsible. Now, it is the one thing I can do, slowly, day by day. But as I write this, I do not have a happy ending yet. Right now there is no cure for what I have, I’ve been in constant pain for 6 years, and anytime I try a drug to manage the pain, the side effects are so horrible that they outweigh the little relief the drug might provide. The doubt and questions that have overwhelmed me at times. Am I wasting my time attempting to write this novel? Did You really bring me to this God? How is this going to work? etc. Yet, He keeps whispering, “I’ve got you. You are Mine.” So, what can I do but trust. One day I might be able to look back and see how it all made sense, but for now, in the middle of surrender, I’m just clinging to Him.