I Can’t…But God Can

erin1

I am not a fire-eater. I am not usually the one with a vision to begin something “great.” My sphere of influence is relatively small as a SAHM and wife. But in 2014, I kept having this feeling deep inside that the Lord had something for me, my husband, and my family and that the trajectory of our lives was going to change. It felt like a new season was upon us, and we were heading in a new direction. Like God was going to be using us, and specifically, me, in new ways.

Then, in the fall of 2014, I learned I was pregnant with surprise baby #5. My reaction to this news was one of devastation. Not over the promise of new life or that I wouldn’t love this new baby, but for what it meant for the plans I had unconsciously made for our family. I didn’t want to be pregnant, I felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of raising 4 children 5 and under, and I was grieving. What about this new season I felt the Lord leading us into? Was I wrong? How on earth was I going to manage taking care of five, sweet though they are, small people?

It felt like a big step backward in the opposite direction. But then…God.

I had read ‘Anything’ the first time it was published and I remember talking about it with Matt, my husband, and how I was absolutely ready to say “anything” to God and what He wanted, and one night after learning I was pregnant again, I was crying and talking with Matt about how I just didn’t think I could do it again…and then it was as if God whispered into my heart, “You’re right. You can’t do it. But I can. And if you let me, I will. This IS my anything for you.”

That began the healing process for me of letting go of my plans and ideas for my family and embracing this ‘anything.’

Amelia Eve was born on June 12, 2015 and while I don’t know the story God has written for her, I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is what God has for us. I have learned to rely on Him in much bigger ways through this pregnancy and last couple of weeks with a newborn than I can remember in recent years.

I know this is not a story that seems like a big deal, or what an anything story probably looks like for most of you, but I remain convinced that God asked me that night to say yes to this anything…of having 5 children and loving them, raising them and pouring into them in sacrificial ways as He has loved me.

So that’s my anything: stepping out in boldness as a momma to five children and releasing all of my plans to trust in the one plan that matters the most.