Gods timing is ever so perfect and that is what I love about the God of the universe….. I gave my life to the Lord 18 years ago when our second born was two years old. Being with that boy in a potential life threatening situation going to church was the eye opener to God showing me that he sent His one and only Son to die for me. I wept in church that day, an unbeliever and gave my life to Christ months later……oh those sweet first years of belonging to Christ and the fire and passion I had for him as He worked in such a real way ….answering prayers, surrounding me with his dear sweet servants who loved me and my family, my passion to be in bible study and church, soaking Him up, the love He gave me for the lost to be found just like he saved and found me.
I held on to all that but over the years it all faded…..my church body changed, people I love left, my passion although still there was not what it used to be and my fellowship with the one who loves me went away……all because of me.
That two year old grew up……always difficult, always something. ..always emailing with teachers about him, pleading him to wake up for the bus, the pains of school, the pains of being caught with that first joint……and then ultimately as Gods good and perfect timing is, crisis. An intervention and having him picked up and brought out of state to a christian program three weeks shy of his 18th birthday while we still could intervene as a parent of a child. The sweetness of him coming to Christ which was his biggest problem all along and having peace because he belonged to God and if he lost His life, for me, knowing he was safe and not having an eternity separated from Christ.
My desire for my kids is knowing they are walking in the truth….no matter how they choose to live there lives…as long as it was in Christ is what I wanted.
He came home a new being…..still the same person in many ways….but the anger, emptiness in his eyes gone, a politeness he never had, saying thank you for things we did for the first time in his life…gratefulness he never had.
Fast forward two years…..a heroin addict. I know what it does, I had a brother and that drug took his life.
Tears, pain, for me……so far from God I was…….outwardly no, inwardly yes. And God allowed things for more and more pain….and as I started very slowly wetting my feet back in His word and prayer….in my pain, He kept telling me, he is my child, not yours….as I questioned if he was even saved or not.
Detoxing once, twice, and on Mother’s Day my gift to myself was coming to the understanding that my son is a heroin addict and there is nothing I can do so I released him to God…giving my son to the one who loves him more….whether he was His child or not, I wasn’t sure, but my son was never mine, because the whole earth and everything in it belongs to The Lord.
The story isn’t over….it hasn’t ended yet…all the dreams and hopes of him surrendering to Christ and doing great and mighty things in His name and that awesome testimony I so desire hasn’t happened …..I still pray….a new beginning at a christian rehab will be happening in two days. …he isn’t happy about it but he has nowhere to go…..he hasn’t hit rock bottom yet, even though there is nowhere else to go but up for me, I know he may allow himself to sink deeper.
My prayer now is an assurance of His salvation so if his life is taken from this earth I can have peace……the thought of living without that would be overwhelming….part of me wants to pray for death here on earth…..his pain of being free of this addiction, and selfishly the stress of living with this to go away…..but I want that peace of his salvation…..and only God has our days numbered in His perfect timing.
I will be driving him out of state in two days…..I already know he is going to hate it because of the location…I thought about changing that to somewhere he would like better…so he won’t leave the program but then I will make my son belong to me again and I have to stop getting in Gods way. All along I know this is not only my sons story, it is mine….and I don’t want to give God my anything yet…….so I can keep it my story.
In Gods good and perfect timing, the middle of the night call of him being kicked out of the recovery house and being high and driving himself back to the rehab he left a few short weeks ago….no more insurance, financially draining us more….I dragged myself to the kickoff of an Anything study the next evening……we will see…talking to my friend afterward and telling her I am not ready for my anything said….of course you have given your everything to Him…..I don’t know….I really don’t.
God still working on me too……..
I know it’s for Gods glory…I have been speaking and witnessing to his counselor, a non believer….and in my panic of he is going to hate this Christian rehab program ….she reminded me….you told me you gave him to God…..He uses everything as a reminder that He is in control.
I praise God that He can do immeasurably more then I ask or imagine as He continues the story that is His, not mine, all along .
The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still