It began over two years ago, maybe many more If I’m digging way deep down. Dreams and ideas, a call to ministry, and this desire to be used for God in big spotlight, not small in the shadow ways. I had gifts. I had talents. I had experience. Ministry experience. Lots of it. Inside the church and outside of the the church. I even had a calling and I knew what it was. So many don’t know. I did. I was in a place that could have and should have given me ample opportunities to see all those “dreams” become reality. I even had voices of others, pushing me, telling me that it should be happening. But it wasn’t happening. I sat for two years on the sidelines, benched, watching others live out their purposes. Let me tell you, the sidelines are not a fun place to be. The bench is cold and hard. The view is painful. Seeing others, playing the game you should be in. They were being passed the ball and making shots, and all the while, I sat watching, waiting, desperately wanting to be in the game. But God! Those words have become full of meaning. Two small words, yet they hold so many stories of redemption, of healing, of finding one’s true identity, of recognizing His love that goes deeper than our minds comprehend.
In the midst of my pride and searching and pleading, God had a plan already in motion. It began with Him asking me a simple question “If none of those things even happen (my dreams, ideas, calling), am I still enough for you?” Was He enough? If I couldn’t use my God given talents the way I thought I should, was He enough? What if I never fulfilled the call of God on my life in ministry, was He still enough? What if my character was attacked, was He still enough? Was anything more important to me than Him? This question smacked me right across the face because my answer was “no, He wasn’t enough.” I needed to fulfill my call. I needed to be in ministry. I needed to feel needed and wanted and admired… It was this war between my flesh, and pure, unadulterated relationship with Jesus. BUT GOD, in His grace and mercy wasn’t willing to let me settled into the sinkhole of self pity and pride, and instead forged on ahead of me with His plan for my life. A season began where many of those things happened. Doors closed that I thought for years would be “my path”. My character was beaten down by people I had trusted and loved. This was a hard one because my character had always had my back. It had seen me through other storms and this time was trampled and thrown to the side. But God, He was becoming enough. I slowly began to see what He was working inside of me. That He was stripping me of my ideas and plans in order to truly have my heart. That I had to be willing to say “anything God” and mean it. God, you have me, and I have you and that is enough.
Looking back over the last year, I wouldn’t trade it. For all the dark, lonely moments I found myself in, those moments brought me to a place where I could answer the question He asked of me, “Am I enough?” with a resounding “Yes, my God, you are enough.”
My story isn’t finished. It’s actually just begun. But I’ve realized something, it actually isn’t about me at all. It isn’t my story. It’s His story. It’s always been His, I just had to get me out of the way, and I can’t wait to see where it goes from here…