“Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me.” John 15:4
A season that is often cold, dark and long and often feels like a season that bears no fruit.
This past winter was definitely a literal winter for me in more than one sense. I felt a distance from the Lord that I haven’t felt in years really.
And I didn’t understand why.
I had come off of an amazing experience of feeling God’s presence when I shared my testimony and then I went into this season of quiet. Of trying to reach out and feel God the same way and there was just nothing there.
Now it wasn’t that God wasn’t there. He was. And still is. But, He has been teaching me some things about myself that were needed.
But so very hard as well.
Through this season He has shown me my biggest block to my relationship with Him is my need to control. I know I have shared this before, but I really hadn’t understood to what extent control has really been my biggest challenge in my life. More than anything else.
I said I was surrendering my life to Him, and some areas that was true. But, I still wanted to control my future. I couldn’t let go of the idea that this life I am leading was not where I wanted it to be.
This year I will be turning 40 and I really thought that I was ok with it. But, when I thought about it more it wasn’t the age that was bothering me, but that I wasn’t where I thought I should be at this point in my life. I had this idea in my head of where I needed to be and this new path was not it.
And I was angry. And hurt.
Hurt that God was allowing this path that was supposedly “good” happen, but didn’t feel “good” to me.
So, as the controlling girl that I am, I started to try and take back control and make things happen. But, God didn’t allow it. He stopped me in my tracks every which way I turned. Everything I tried to control. Not to make me angry or for me to feel like He was against me. Oh no. Not at all. In fact it was the complete opposite.
As the loving parent, he was trying to show me love by protecting me from myself and the damage I could do. I needed to stop trying to do and just be.
Just be in His presence.
Allow Him to heal me.
Rest in Him.
Abide in Him.
Sometimes it is not about what we need to do as much as it is about what we need to not do. I have spent my life trying to fix everything and everyone and I myself was no exception to this rule. In fact, I expected so much more of myself, so the need to fix me was even bigger.
And this is where the Lord said stop.
Stop and rest in Me.
Jesus teaches us that we need to become like children (Matthew 18:3) to enter the kingdom of heaven which speaks to this need for us to stop trying to be in control. We need to fully take on that role of being a child again and let Him be the Father guiding us and protecting us.
How many times have I said I would love to be a child again to not have all of these worries, fears and responsibilities? The Lord actually wants the to do that for me and the only one that is holding back from allowing that to happen is me.
So I stopped. And listened. And looked. And soaked in Him around me. And I realized He was all around me.
All. Around. Me.
Surrounding me with His Love and Presence and Peace.
I didn’t need to try so hard because He is there.
He has me.
He has you too.
I have begun to step back and look to Him to take on the day and its needs. Because He spent all night preparing the day for me. He has been awake all night while I slept watching over me, His child, protecting and preparing this day for me.
I just need to rest in Him. Abide in Him.
And that needed rest and needed peace that I have been missing has found me.
I found it.
Because I chose to step into His arms. And become that child that I have so craved and I have relinquished the control.
Lord, take the lead and I will follow.